A mixed episode creates an experience of entrapment inside her mind. She is itching with desire to reach deep inside her skull to purge her tormented brain. Her brain suffocates her. She cannot breathe.
Her body unmistakably trembles with fear, her hands twitch from excess energy. Tears overflow in her eyes. She wants to run away from herself as quickly as possible. How does she escape her agitated herself? She can’t. She will indefinitely be trapped. Waiting for her brain to decide when and how she will come down from this mixed episode of hell.
She wants to sleep. In sleep, she is unaware of the torture occurring in her mind. Unfortunately, the mania during the mixed episode relentlessly and viciously keep her awake. She is like a trapped lion in cage, heart bursting out of her chest. The tossing and turning she endures is enough to make her cry out. Please God, take this from me! I cannot go on. The clock changes from midnight to 3 o’clock, from 3 o’clock to 7 o’clock until she wearily gives up on the notion of sleep. Bipolar wins again, she feels as though she is losing her mind. She is terrified.
The world and her life do not slow down. She is a mother who pretends like all is okay in the world. She does not allow her children to know of her suffering. She loves them too much to have them worry. After three nights of sleeplessness, her body cannot keep up. Finally she crashes. She closes her eyes, and sleeps at last.
She is me. I am her. Or is she simply her bipolar? The confusion ensues.
Spot on.
Thank you for your support 💚
I can very much relate to that. Mania often strikes me that way at night.
It is just awful to have it at nighttime. It’s the feeling of entrapment that I loathe.
Love all your stuff, so relatable and beautiful to see someone better with words be able to express the things I’ve felt my whole life ! 💙
Well thank you so much for your kind words! 💚
Ok so I just watched the video on webmd and had to immediately read your blog. I’m 39 and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a couple years ago. For many years, starting in my teens, I would become overly attached to someone especially a girl that when they got overwhelmed and just leave, I would be devastated. Suicide was the only thing on my mind because I felt I drove them away and therefore not able to be loved. I got married at 19 and things went well for a few years. She became pregnant at around our 3rd year and I was mixed emotions. I didn’t think I would be a good father because if my issues. She was also sick every day all day the whole time which left me feeling alone. Because of this I looked for attention and when someone gave it began chatting. Fast forward 10 years and being undiagnosed and unmedicated made me a wreck. Everyone said I was being mean or I was just throwing tantrums and not loving but also careless because of the extreme happiness and wanting to drown out life. Addiction to things became rampant. Like you I was forced by my wife to see someone. I was mad. I didn’t need to talk to anyone my whole life so why would I now. Well after a few sessions I started to feel better but didn’t understand I still battle and sometimes my episodes last a few hours to a few weeks. The last few days have been the hardest in a long time. I can’t sleep, I hate myself and everyone annoys me even though they didn’t do anything. I had to leave for a day just to try to calm down and focus on myself. This morning I’m still down and feel lost but when I was sent your link to your video I was brought to tears. Finally someone who understood. I’m not a crier, I was always told that it was not manly but when I get like this I fight the tears and I know crying helps. I’m still tearing up writing this but I have subscribed and will continue reading. You are a champion for people like us.