Bipolar Problem: Which Person Will Show Up?

IMG_0992Picture this. A brand new race car. It is the fasted race car ever built. This race car laps the other race cars with great ease. It wins race, after race, after race, with only a couple crashes. The driver signs up for the most prestigious motor race in the world. The driver knows with great certainty his car will win since it wins every race.

Race time arrives, the driver is set, and the race begins. The driver puts the petal to the metal, but nothing happens. His car does not budge. It seems as though this new car has an idiosyncrasy the driver was unaware of. After a dozen races, it has to stay parked in the garage for about three months. After three months it will be the fastest car in the world again. The driver will never know though when the car will be in working-condition.

So how in the world is the driver supposed to plan his racing schedule? How many races will he show up to only to be frustrated that his car won’t move again?

The above analogy is how I explain my depression (low energy) and mania (high energy). Many times I will sign myself up for throwing a party, committing to an activity, or completing a variety of tasks. This is because I’ve become accustomed to, and crave the manic energy that allows me to easily get these things done more quickly than most everyone else.

Then the time will come to throw that party, but all the manic energy is gone and I am left with the body and mind of the race car that won’t budge on the race track. It’s frustrating because I make grand plans, and then when the time comes, I lose all momentum and energy because my brain decided it needs to stop…. for however long it needs.

This is one of many reasons why life with bipolar can be a struggle. I’ve succumbed to the notion that planning my life cannot happen. Naturally a person who likes to plan things, I’ve had to learn to let life fall where it may, no matter where all the pieces may fall. Silver lining; this has helped me to live more in the present.

Whenever I make plans, in the back of my mind I think, ‘I wonder how my brain will be acting that day?’

How do you manage ‘planning’ anything in your life? Do you find it difficult to follow through on plans?

 

I’m so bipolar, and unashamed.

2 thoughts on “Bipolar Problem: Which Person Will Show Up?

  1. Amazing post! I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment… As a student who banks on (hypo-)mania to get things done. It’s upsetting when things don’t go as plan -especially when mania does the opposite effect.

    1. Thank you so much! I remember feeling the same way during my college days. I look at my energy like a bank account. When I’m manic I need to deposit into the “get stuff done fund” that way when I’m depressed I have that account to kind of carry me through. Sometimes it works, sometimes not enough. Thanks for commenting!!

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