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Last post on http://www.SoBipolar.com we focused on the depressive symptom of isolation, now moving onto…

 Suicidal Ideation

Suicide has never and will never be the answer to anyone’s problems. Suicide is the biggest liar I have ever met. Suicidal ideation whispers in your ear that killing yourself will make all the pain disappear; it won’t. With that said, I know what it feels like to be so profoundly depressed that suicide seems like the only option.

Suicidal thoughts can start small; What if I run my car into that pole? What would happen if I take a few extra doses of my medication? The thoughts quickly escalate into driving erratically to tempt fate, and taking the whole bottle of medication. This is when bipolar depression becomes not only a problem for the person suffering from bipolar disorder, but for society at large. Mental health problems are everyone’s problem.

In my most suicidal state of mind I remember oddly fantasizing about how I would kill myself.   I thought of how others would feel (if anything) once I was gone. I remember feeling a sense of relief when I imagined myself removed from this world. I am so thankful I never went through with my plans.

Why didn’t I commit suicide? My angel of a fiancé (at the time) dragged me to the psychiatric hospital. A story for another day…

If you or someone you know is suicidal please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 (United States).

** As always, please remember, I am not a doctor. Just a so bipolar lady with a computer. So if you suspect you or someone you know has bipolar disorder, always consult with your physician or psychiatrist first.

I am so bipolar, and unashamed.

(Remember to follow the SoBipolar blog to receive email updates.)

Last post on http://www.SoBipolar.com we focused on the depressive symptom of fear and paranoia, now moving onto…

 Isolation

Bipolar highs are exhausting, and the lows numbing. When the agonizing depression has become unbearable the only place left is complete solitude and isolation from the world.

The world becomes too much, too overwhelming to participate in.

To some degree every person, bipolar or not, needs “down time.” Time to decompress, time to relax and forget about the day’s troubles. Bipolar isolation is different. When I isolate from the world I physically feel ill. My entire body aches. I swear I can actually feel my brain hurting. From the tips of my eyelashes to my toes, I feel exhausted, depleted of everything I have left to give.

Most of the time I will set up camp in my bedroom; my safe place. Amongst my cool sheets and plush pillows I can lose myself. If my busy life does not allow me to have time to isolate I feel like I am trudging through a swimming pool filled with thick mud. Although not impossible, it might as well be.

How many times have you muttered the words; “I just want to be left alone”?

Next post we will discuss the depressive symptom of suicidal ideation.

** As always, please remember, I am not a doctor. Just a so bipolar lady with a computer. So if you suspect you or someone you know has bipolar disorder, always consult with your physician or psychiatrist first.

I am so bipolar, and unashamed.

(Remember to follow the SoBipolar blog to receive email updates.)

Last post on http://www.SoBipolar.com we focused on the depressive symptom of low energy, now moving onto…

 Fear and Paranoia

Do you ever think that someone has it out for you? Maybe you think that someone is trying to break up your relationship. Perhaps your suspicions are well-founded, but perhaps your distrust is unreasonable and downright delusional.

What I am referring to is paranoia, or the exaggerated fear or suspicion of others.

Suppose a person with bipolar disorder is admitted to a psychiatric hospital. The patient firmly believes the hospital staff is trying to poison her. She is suspicious of anyone who tells her that she needs medication, because she thinks she is okay. Everyone else is out to get her.  She thinks the nurses are gossiping and laughing about her behind her back.  She might even think that her room is tapped.

The above scenario happens more often than not, I’m sure. It seems to be a theme I have noticed that people with bipolar think they’re okay and everyone is out to ruin their life. It is very difficult to help someone with paranoia because there’s no making sense to someone who doesn’t make sense herself.

Do you have bipolar and relate to this? Or have you worked with a loved one who suffered from paranoia?

Next post we will discuss the depressive symptom of isolation.

** As always, please remember, I am not a doctor. Just a so bipolar lady with a computer. So if you suspect you or someone you know has bipolar disorder, always consult with your physician or psychiatrist first.

I am so bipolar, and unashamed.

(Remember to follow the SoBipolar blog to receive email updates.)

Last post on http://www.SoBipolar.com we focused on the depressive symptom of crying for no reason, now moving onto…

Low Energy

It is a beautiful day outside; birds chirping, sun shining. Your friends call you to take a hike.  You meet your friends at the base of a mountain.  You love to hike.

The group starts up the mountain, carrying nothing with them other than water bottles for hydration. You notice a large backpack filled with bricks.  It has your name on it.  You are supposed to carry that backpack up the mountain.

You make it one mile up the mountain before the load has taken its toll on you. Your back aches, your legs shake, your breath is short, and worst of all you are not having fun like the rest of your friends.

Your friends are miles ahead of you when one decides to wait up for you. Once you finally reach your friend, he asks why you are so slow.

“Don’t you see this huge backpack of bricks on my back?” you ask. He looks at you strangely and shakes his head, no.

You plead with your friend, “Please help me with these bricks.” Again, your friend has no idea what you are talking about.  You keep hiking, but soon, the mud under your feet has caused you fall flat on your face.  You encourage your friend to go on without you.

There you are, no energy to go on, and confused as to why you have this giant load of bricks to carry around while everyone else has nothing holding them back.

The above description illustrates what depression feels like. The bricks represent the depression, and the mud beneath your feet is the low energy that stops you in your tracks despite your best efforts to live life with depression.  The friend who does not know how to help you is unfortunately the typical reaction society has towards people experiencing depression.  You want to hike and to live life, but the depression and low energy make it as difficult as hiking with a backpack of bricks.

Next post we will discuss the depressive symptom of fear and paranoia.

** As always, please remember, I am not a doctor. Just a so bipolar lady with a computer. So if you suspect you or someone you know has bipolar disorder, always consult with your physician or psychiatrist first.

 

I am so bipolar, and unashamed.

Remember to follow the SoBipolar blog to receive email updates.

In continuation of the “What Is It Like to Have Bipolar Disorder?” series, the next several posts will explore the various depressive symptoms people with bipolar disorder experience.   Beginning now with the depressive symptom I believe to be the most… annoying, if you will….

 Crying For No Reason

 What is the longest time you have spent crying? Ten minutes? An hour? Once I cried for a whole week for no reason at all. I literally cried from morning until evening, with nothing I was particularly sad about. I tried tirelessly to figure out if there was an underlying cause for my tears, but could not find one. I was just sad and crying for no reason.

Crying for no reason is one symptom/side effect of bipolar depression that makes every day life next to impossible.

One particular time I needed to call my bank, and halfway through the minute-long conversation I had to excuse myself because I had burst into tears. I could not stop the flood of tears from falling down my cheeks for even a quick call to my bank! This is thankfully, no longer my norm. That was when my bipolar depression was very, very out of control. Thankfully, I got help.

Next post we will discuss the depressive symptom of low energy.

** As always, please remember, I am not a doctor. Just a so bipolar lady with a computer. 🙂 So if you suspect you or someone you know has bipolar disorder, always consult with your physician or psychiatrist first.

 

I am so bipolar, and unashamed.

Don’t forget to follow the SoBipolar blog to receive email updates!

 

Last post on www.sobipolar.com we focused on the manic symptom of irritability and anger, now moving onto…

 Hypersexuality

 Mom and dad, you can stop reading now, as well as anybody who doesn’t care to know about my sexual life!

Perhaps it is my lifetime of Catholic schooling, but I admit that the topic of hypersexuality makes me want to run for the hills. Hypersexuality is a symptom of bipolar disorder that often goes unmentioned, precisely because I think it is embarrassing. This is why I am shining a light on hypersexuality today.

Bipolar hypersexuality could make a hormonal 16 year-old boy blush. Extramarital affairs, dangerous and risky sexual behaviors are all results of hypersexuality.

To put into perspective what I mean by hypersexuality, I will draw upon my own personal experience. Let’s assume the average woman thinks of sex ten times a day. I would guesstimate that when I am in a bipolar hypersexual state of mind that I think of sex close to 300 times in one day, and it is possible to orgasm upwards of twenty times per day.   It feels like my mind and body are completely consumed with all things sexual. Truth-be-told that I am not like this on a regular basis. I would say that I am exactly average in those regards. I personally have had only two hypersexual manic phases in my life, and that is two too many for me.

These sexual thoughts are not thoughts that I would ever normally think of.  I can see how one could easily be inspired to have an extramarital affair if their bipolar manic symptoms are not treated, despite being in an otherwise healthy marriage. It is as if the brain has been replaced by some kind of awful porn re-runs that is only motivated by sex.

For those of you who think that hypersexuality sounds fun or exciting in anyway, I implore you to rethink. I wouldn’t say it is the worst bipolar symptom, but it makes everyday life a considerable challenge. Completing even menial tasks is next to impossible since almost everything makes the manic brain want sex, and want it now.

Hypersexuality can also cause major destruction in relationships for obvious reasons. The manic brain is not a stable brain, therefore it does not think clearly. Thus, when the manic brain thinks it is a good idea to leave family to pursue prostitution, it becomes dangerous and destructive for all involved. These “good” ideas are not something to laugh at. They are usually completely out of character for the person and are a very real problem for some people living with bipolar disorder.

This concludes our six part “exploring mania” series. Next time, we will begin to explore the depressive side of bipolar disorder.

** As always, please remember, I am not a doctor. Just a so bipolar lady with a computer. 😉 So if you suspect you or someone you know has bipolar disorder, always consult with your physician or psychiatrist first.

 

I’m so bipolar, and unashamed.            

 

 

Last post on http://www.SoBipolar.com we focused on the manic symptom of grandiosity, now moving onto…

 Feelings of Rage and Irritability

Have you ever kicked a hole in your wall because you couldn’t find your favorite pair of boots? I have. If you have, we should talk. 😉 It was ridiculous really, but a perfect example of bipolar rage and irritability at its finest. The irritability felt during mania is irrational, illogical, and feels AWFUL. Logically I know that I’m having a two-year-old’s temper tantrum, but something inside will not quit. The manic brain holds onto the anger and irritability like a dog with a bone. I was so pissed about not finding my boots for a good three hours.

Most people can relate to what irritability and anger feel like. So what is the difference between their irritability and that of a person with bipolar disorder?  Simply put, the anger and irritability is exaggerated in all aspects; severity and length of time the feelings persist. When irritable (even over something small and mundane) it can be a whole day or longer before mentally being able to move past it.

 Unfortunately, these feelings of rage and irritability can become violent. It is a symptom of bipolar disorder that I think is often avoided in discussions because of its ugliness. Nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to be associated with being a violent person. This again, is exactly why it is so important for bipolar stigma to be demolished. The less stigma attached, the more likely people are to seek help to learn to manage their bipolar symptoms. The manic rage and irritability a bipolar person feels quickly becomes not just a problem for the person with bipolar, rather a problem for society.

Next post we will discuss the final manic symptom of hypersexuality.

** As always, please remember, I am not a doctor. Just a so bipolar lady with a computer. 😉 So if you suspect you or someone you know has bipolar disorder, always consult with your physician or psychiatrist first.

 

I’m so bipolar, and unashamed.

Last post on http://www.SoBipolar.com we focused on the manic symptom of pressured speech, now moving onto…

Feelings of Grandiosity (“I’m AMAZING!”)

What if I told you that you could be more important, powerful, and knowledgeable than everyone else in the world? Would you want that? If you have bipolar disorder, you just might get that wish granted… sort of anyway. You won’t actually be more important, powerful, or knowledgeable, but at least you’ll think that you are.

As difficult as it is to understand, the manic brain will make many people believe that they are something more than what they really are. For example, someone in a grandiose state of mind might think that they are God or a Nobel Peace Prize Winner (when they are not). Or that their life is superior to all others.

As a kind of subset of grandiosity, some develop hyper-religiosity, which is when the manic brain becomes fixated on all things religious and is flooded with “supernatural” knowledge that they believe the rest of the population does not have access to.

 From personal experience I can share that these feelings of grandiosity really are quite grand 😉 I mean, who wouldn’t want to think they’re God’s gift to man? But then again, the ramifications that come from believing you’re the cat’s meow can be devastating, sometimes irreparable, and downright embarrassing.

Here is an example of what someone might do while in a grandiose state of mind:

A man is driving down the highway.   He believes himself to be God. He is energized by this thought and truly believes in his immortality. He thinks he controls the universe. Because of this he closes his eyes and trusts that since he is God he will be able to drive safely even with his eyes closed. Until he inevitably crashes.

The above example is exactly why stigma surrounding mental health needs to end. People who are mentally ill can eventually become a danger to themselves and to the rest of society, if left untreated for too long.

Although feelings of grandiosity can seem amazing, it’s a huge red flag that a crash to the depressed side is lurking around the corner.

Next post we will discuss the manic symptom of irritability.

** As always, please remember, I am not a doctor. Just a so bipolar lady with a computer. 😉 So if you suspect you or someone you know has bipolar disorder, always consult with your physician or psychiatrist first.

I am so bipolar, and unashamed.

Last time on SoBipolar.com we explored the manic symptom of loss of sleep. Now moving onto a hallmark symptom of bipolar disorder known as pressured speech.

 Pressured Speech

It feels like the brain is a television and the channels won’t quit changing. Thoughts jump from topic to topic within seconds. Many times making absolutely no sense to those listening. It is not just a want to talk, rather a need to talk.

Not to be confused with excessive talking, pressured speech is frenzied and urgent. The person will speak more loudly and quickly than usual. It is a fairly common symptom of bipolar disorder, considering that about one third of people diagnosed will experience it at some point or another.

The next post will explore the manic symptom of grandiosity.

**As always, please remember, I am not a doctor. Just a so bipolar lady with a computer. 😉 So if you suspect you or someone you know has bipolar disorder, always consult with your physician or psychiatrist first.

 

I’m so bipolar, and unashamed.

 

 

 

The last post on www.SoBipolar.com covered the manic symptom of heightened energy and creativity. Now we are moving onto the symptom that I think is one of the worst parts of mania.

Loss of Sleep

Have you ever gone without sleep for three nights in a row? A person with bipolar disorder probably has, and sometimes much longer. Our language greatly lacks a word to describe the utter exhaustion that is felt from not sleeping after a hyperactive manic week.   The mania causes not only mental and emotional exhaustion, but also physical fatigue.

Imagine you’ve been trying to fall asleep, only to finally fall asleep for five minutes, and then your brain uncontrollably wakes you up as if your brain had a built-in fifteen-minute alarm clock.

From my personal experience, I’ve gone close to five days where sleep was next to impossible. I would fall asleep for 15 minutes, and like clockwork a sudden jolt (the same sensation of falling off a cliff) would wake me. This would happen all night until I would finally just give up and do something else. With my three small children at home, this was not what I would call “good times.” The coffee I would drink to stay awake only made my evening mania worse. It was a vicious cycle.

The depression that follows the sleepless mania is the worst. The body is exhausted and the brain wants nothing more than to forget about life and all its responsibilities. So when a person with bipolar says they can’t get out of bed, there is a very good reason why. I think anybody wouldn’t be able to get out of bed under these circumstances.

The next blog post will explore ‘rapid speech’ as the next manic symptom of bipolar disorder.

Again, please remember, I am not a doctor. Just a so bipolar lady with a computer. 😉 So if you suspect you or someone you know has bipolar disorder, always consult with your physician or psychiatrist first.

 

I’m so bipolar, and unashamed.